The forgottens

 I woke up this morning, feeling very tired. I felt sad last night after a conversation. I somehow have realized that we haven't understood each other enough. That makes me sad. After the conversation, i continued to listen to a story from Thich Nhat Hanh, a monk that i have been mentally connecting with his thoughts about life for several years. The story is "Old path white clouds". I have this idea in my mind for about a year to visit the Monk when he was in Tu Hieu buddhist cultural center to ask him about my sister. I wanted to understand why she has been ill and why her life goes this way. But i probably will never have a chance to meet him. The Monk has passed away on the 22 Jan this year. 

I felt asleep while listening to the beautiful voice reading the story and woke up in the morning, uncertain about last night and what to do next, for the day, but maybe also for the near future. This stage, i feel it is like a quiet time in my life, as i am at a cross-road, or at a point where different currents at a river or ocean meet each other and the currents mix with each other there, making the water stops flowing. That feeling is also very similar to when i was in a flight and the flight starts surfing the wind. It is not really no weight, but the weight is balanced by another force, so my mind is released for a moment, and i feel uncertain about which way is the next direction of the flow.

I want to continue with the story while still in bed. While listening to the story, i felt something is crawling on my arm, and i feel itchy. I look, and i panic. A worm! I have no idea where it comes from and how come it could go to my bedroom. I calm down, stand up, and go out to the balcony to release the worm to a plant. But suddenly he bites me. I am panic again and i blow strongly to my arm. The worm falls into the floor next to the door and i hear a strong sound. I feel poor for the worm and i feel guilty. I hurt it. I think if i calm down a bit more, i wouldn't blow the worm and wouldn't hurt. I try to find him but strangely i can't see him anymore. He disappears.

Feeling hungry, i go to the kitchen and prepare some food for breakfast. I cut an avocado, put into a bow, and bring to my bedroom to continue to listen to the story again. I suddenly see the worm. The avocado is bitter so i want to cook a corn. But i also want to bring the worm to the balcony. I think, the worm is so small and it can't go far anyway, let's get the corn and find something to bring the worm outside. The corn still has the fresh silk leave around. I think the worm might like it. Going to back to the bedroom with the corn leave, i don't see the worm there anymore. I look around, under the chair, and under the mattress, but i couldn't find it. It is gone, again. I feel regret. I should have taken the worm out when i saw it. I think about some old stuffs that wanted to use or to clean or to put in the right places, but i never done that because i always have more important things to do and i thought i would do that at night. But i never remember. I think about the old friends, other people that i haven't been in touch for a long time. I thought i would respond to their messages at night when i normally have more free time, but in those nights i always engaged in some other things that more urgent, more important, or more interesting. Time passes! So quickly! When i suddenly realize that i have forgotten the stuffs, the friends, the people, it has already been weeks, months, or even years...

Like the little worm, i thought it won't go far from where it was in my bedroom, and i took my time to cut the corn, to cook it, and to think about life in the kitchen; I also thought the stuffs will still be there as before, and the friends, the people will still be there for me as before. But i haven't realized that time is fast, and when i am back, dust already covers my stuffs, and covers my friendships and other social relations. I thought, things have changed. They are not there for me anymore, they have forgotten me. But maybe it is not like that. They have been the forgotten in my mind for a long time that i haven't been aware of. They are the forgottens!